There are a lot of people out there, especially in this major election year, who would like to think they can influence others to convert over to thinking as they do. Unfortunately, it creates a lot of noise (to which I'm adverse) and a lot of animosity (to which I'm even more adverse). I'd like to propose a major key (in my opinion) to guide your discussions - Civility. Even if this is not true for everyone, it is true for me personally.
If you do speak or write without civility, I can almost guarantee that your effectiveness will be either limited or nil. If you express yourself with civility, you may still not influence others in your direction right away, but over time your chances are much, much higher.
And here's one key to tell how effective your influence is - if you write or say something, and the only people who comment or agree with you are people who already agree with you, and their comments follow the vein of, "Couldn't agree more!", or, "You said, it, man!", or, "That is so true", then you are almost assuredly having no influence whatsoever. However, if you get comments from the other side, such as, "Wow, I never thought of it in that way", or, "you really made me think", then you are being persuasive. If you are one who writes on political topics, or controversial issues, I ask you to look at the responses you get, and evaluate honestly whether your speech is civil. Of course, maybe your goal is not influence; maybe it's just venting. I'm only addressing the former.
Not that I am expert in this, and I'm sure there are a lot more - but I'd like to list some ways that we can express civility. In line with my rule 1(a), these are my opinions and thoughts - but I hope they ring true to you as well.
1. Honesty. If you put out something that is untrue, unsubstantiated, misleading, intentionally incomplete, or is only partly true - Nope, Fail. Especially if done with the intent (conscious or not) to just make your point. You are being civil when you present all the relevant facts, correctly quote people in context, examine / research rumors before promulgating them, etc.
1(a). Opinion vs. Fact - Civility requires that you clearly delineate what is your opinion, and what is fact. Closely related is clearly stating when you don't know if something is fact. If you do not, you are close to failing test #1.
2. Respect - Believe it or not, the other side has some good points. There are valid reasons why they think the way they do. However, when we automatically assume bad motives, or stupidity, or whatever villainous trait we can throw on someone, we move away from respect into contempt, and civility flees. May I suggest that if you cannot discover any good reason why the person on the other side of an issue thinks the way they do, you probably haven't had a respectful, deep discussion on the topic - people won't tell you what they really think and why if they don't detect respect.
3. Thoughtfulness. I'm not talking necessarily about remembering birthdays or taking food to your sick neighbor (although it may be related). I'm talking about putting your mind in gear and thoughtfully evaluating things that you hear, read, and see. Knee-jerk, reflexive, automatic replies, forwarding, propagation, etc. are not helpful. Process first, put it in context, then speak. I actually believe it's useful to get multiple perspectives, because most likely I've missed several valid ones.
4. Calmness. Turns out, I think I can be quite rational when I am angry (opinion only; family members may see it differently). I can spout facts, provide correct interpretations, cite previous examples and precedents, etc. However, when I am angry I have zero influence, other than fear - and that wears off quickly and is less effective the next time. However, when I am calm, and I lead a calm discussion, I have much more chance for getting what I need / want - even though sometimes it takes a while.
5. Proper language. There is no room for swearing, vulgarity, vitriol, epithets, or name-calling in civil discussion.
Other impediments - generalizing, demonizing, acting as the victim.
I do admit that this blog is for me to blow off some steam. I feel pretty tired with both sides of the political debate this year especially. I think a lot of people are feeling that way as well. My hope (however naive) is that in some small way these ideas spread and we see at least a small return to civility - at least within my circle of contact (which is probably selfish).
If you want my vote - the first requirement is to be civil.
